When Rob Barrett’s wife of 27 years, Diana, was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer he was blindsided, because she had always been active, healthy and a non-smoker. Barrett and his family, including their two teenagers at the time, were thrown head first into the culture of cancer, which Barrett describes as similar to moving to a foreign country.

Overwhelmed with the new full time job of caring for his wife and learning about her treatment, Barrett, like many men in his situation, did not want to turn to professional counselling. However, to please Diana, a clinical counsellor, he agreed to attend the first session of a support group for men whose partners have advanced cancer lead by John Christopherson, a clinical counsellor at the BC Cancer Agency, an agency of the Provincial Health Services Authority.

The group meets once a month at the BC Cancer Agency’s Vancouver Centre.

“Men tend to be less upfront about their need for comfort and assistance,” says Christopherson, “And as a result there is a definite lack of social support systems for men dealing with emotional situations. The BC Cancer Agency’s support group for men has proven to be a valuable resource to help them deal with their partner’s serious illness and not feel alone.”

Barrett remembers the first meeting, of 10 men who were all strangers. “Once the introductions were over, the meeting took on a personality of its own. There was an outpouring of tears, anger, frustration and fear, it was as if all of these men had so much pent up emotion and they finally had a comfortable environment to express it. It was incredibly moving,” the self-professed non-group kind of guy recalls.

“Everyone’s experience with cancer is different and yet everyone goes through similar events and emotions,” says Barrett. “In the group we share our common experiences, the resources that we found useful, what helped us cope and what didn’t. The support group is extremely beneficial during the first month following diagnosis, when men are trying to wrap their heads around treatment plans, their feelings of fear and guilt, and their partners emotions, all while dealing with the reality of a bleak outcome.”

“Our meetings plumb the depths and the heights, from profound emotional stories to low brow guy humour,” describes Christopherson. “The advice and guidance exchanged between the men is much more meaningful than if it were coming from a professional. The support extends outside of the group if you want it to, or stays within the walls of the BC Cancer Agency, but it is always there – no pressure or judgment.”

“It isn’t typical therapy in the way that most guys think of therapy. It is not conventional and follows no set guidelines, and yet everyone gets something out of it and comes back month after month,” says Barrett.

Barrett continues to attend the group, one year after Diana’s death; because he still feels that he can give back, and make sense of his grief by sharing his experiences with others. Barrett shares how he is coping, how he is moving on as a single parent and in doing so helps ease the fear of death for the rest of the group.

Men who are interested in attending or learning more about the group are encouraged to contact John Christopherson at 604.877.6000 extension 2190.

The BC Cancer Agency, an agency of the Provincial Health Services Authority, is committed to reducing the incidence of cancer, reducing the mortality from cancer, and improving the quality of life of those living with cancer. It provides a comprehensive cancer control program for the people of British Columbia by working with community partners to deliver a range of oncology services, including prevention, early detection, diagnosis and treatment, research, education, supportive care, rehabilitation and palliative care. The BC Cancer Foundation raises funds to support research and enhancements to patient care at the BC Cancer Agency.