“…the day my family found out that my mom had breast cancer, everything was so messed up. There were a gazillion phone calls, my mom and dad were whispering, and I even heard my mom crying. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I knew it wasn’t good. I was scared.

"Nothing got done that day. My mom didn’t do the weekly grocery shopping (so I ate cookies for dinner!); my iguana, Sydney, got loose; my dad put milk in the pantry; and my sister went to sleep in her tutu. My house was never crazy like that before.”

Numeroff, L. & Harpham, W. S. (2001). The Hope Tree: Kids Talk About Breast Cancer. New York: Simon & Shuster.

As a parent, you can guide your children over time towards an understanding of what is happening to you and your family. You can acknowledge the sense of uncertainty and introduce healthy ways of dealing with feelings and changes.

It is important to remember that not every family is the same. Take the information we have provided and find how it best fits your family. Here are some of the most common questions parents and families struggle with:

1. How should we tell our children about the diagnosis and treatment?
2. Who should tell our children?
3. How important is it for parents to be open and honest?
4. Won’t our children worry if we tell them the truth?
5. What do we say to our children about the diagnosis?
6. How do we reassure our children?
7. Who else should we tell about the diagnosis?
8. Other points to consider
9. Tips for talking with your children about a cancer diagnosis

How should we tell our children about the diagnosis and treatment?

During and after treatment, children will likely be less anxious and feel more secure when they are included and told the truth.

Your children will benefit from being told the news as soon as possible, as they may sense when something is wrong.

Have the conversation as soon as you are able to and when you can be clear about what you want to share.

Remember that it doesn’t have to be one big conversation.

You can support and reassure your children that the initial conversation is the first of many.

They do need to hear the truth in language they can understand.

Who should tell our children?

Parents are the first line of support for their children.

Both parents need to be involved in deciding how and what to tell their children.

If either or both parents are unable to agree on what to say, it may be helpful to talk this over with a counsellor.

If you feel unable to talk to your children, it is best to select someone who can, and to be present during that conversation.

You may find it helpful to write down what you wish to say.

If the parent with cancer is not able to be present, the other parent or close family member may take the lead.

A family meeting can be one of the best ways to share the news.

How important is it for parents to be open and honest?

While you may want to avoid your children’s sadness, anger, or questions about death, children need the opportunity to ask questions and express fears. This is a time to role model that sometimes things happen that make you feel sad, or scared or mad.

Talk with your children and answer their questions truthfully. If you are open, your children will realize they can count on you to be honest with them. They will have a better chance of handling whatever happens in the family and in their lives.

It is inevitable that they will overhear something.

It takes a lot of valuable energy to keep a secret.

Won’t our children worry if we tell them the truth?

Worry is something we all do, including children.

As a parent, you cannot protect your children from worry, but you can help to ease their anxieties by giving them accurate information and talking with them about their fears and worries.

When they are excluded or told very little, children will sense that something is wrong and become anxious, but they will feel discouraged from asking about their parents’ health or seeking assurance.

Without the truth, your children are likely to imagine something far worse.

Remember to give your children time to adjust.

Provide more opportunities for them to come back and ask questions or share their feelings.

What do we say to our children about the diagnosis?

Children need to understand basic information about their parent’s diagnosis, and basic facts about cancer.

Remember, information needs to match your children’s level of understanding. To ensure this is happening, ask your children what they heard you tell them (or how they might explain it to someone else like a friend or an aunt).

How do we reassure our children?

Children are reassured when you let them know that:

• You will continue to talk with them and answer their questions 
• You will let them know what will change and what will be the same 
• You want them to be involved - talk with them about how they can help 
• They will be looked after no matter what 
• You will get though this together as a family 
• Everyone in the family needs to adjust to the news 
• You want them to continue their activities and will help them do this 
• It is important for them to play and see their friends

Who else should we tell about the diagnosis?

It your decision who you want to share information with.

Telling others can be a longer process that allows you time to absorb the news as a family and make decisions about what information you want to share outside the family.

Open communication can be one of the most important activities that support your family’s coping. It decreases the chance of confusion for those that support you.

Friends and family can then offer support and understanding, and you can ask for their help.

Keep people informed on a regular basis, or select a spokesperson for this task.

Inform your children’s school and after-school communities so that their teachers, guidance counsellor, or school principal can provide support and communicate concerns to you.

Other points to consider:

Try to keep your family life as normal as possible. All children benefit from having a sense of stability and routine.

Outside help is often necessary. You can help to meet your children’s everyday physical and emotional needs by enlisting people who can help with meals, laundry, carpooling, homework, sleepovers, play times, outings, and attending your children’s special events when needed.

In addition to family and friends, consider asking your health care team or other organizations (service, social services, and home health agencies) and communities (neighbourhood, school, religious) for support.

Using simple language, give a brief statement of what has occurred.

Tell your children:

• the name of the illness
• what part of the body is affected
• how it was discovered
• what will be done to treat your illness

Calling your illness a” boo-boo” may confuse children about common illnesses being as serious as cancer.

Ask your children what they know about cancer, and what they want to know.

Tell your children basic facts about cancer.

1. Cancer is no one’s fault. Your children have not caused your cancer. Nothing that they have said, done, or thought can cause your cancer.
2. Your child cannot ‘catch’ your cancer. Cancer is not like a cold or flu.
3. It is not always clear why cancer develops. Children often need to hear the information again, or may ask the same questions. Remind your children that they can always ask questions if they don’t understand what is happening. Encourage your children’s questions, and reassure them there are no dumb questions. Accept their unwillingness to talk. Children will talk when they are ready.